Kevin here. . .
The concept of sex for many men has been driven mostly by our adolescent experiences. At that age, sex was awakening every morning with a rock-hard erection and having sexy daydreams that inexplicably aroused us. Sex was masturbating three times a day and still feeling horny. Sex was also about keeping all that secret and feeling ashamed of our drive.
The teen years for young men
As a teenager, sex was making out and petting until we almost couldn’t stand it. And, as we grew older, sex was hot, urgent couplings in the backseat of a car, parked but driven by unspoken needs and expectations.
When we were young, sex was doing what we could get away with, but when we finally found partners for intercourse, we felt like men and often bragged about it. Intercourse was the holy grail—the be all, end all—the proof that we had arrived in manhood. But the passion and confusing emotions between partners, the fear of pregnancy, and the poor communication, often left us conflicted and anxious.
We were indoctrinated with a narrow, rigid model of what were acceptable sexual desires and behaviors, and we worried about, and slyly hid, what was regarded as deviant. We were more concerned with who we appeared to be than who we actually were. And, the pressure to always be potent was unrelenting. Not surprising, it left us feeling unsatisfied.
The teen years for young women
For girls and young women, the horniness was less acute and the masturbation more moderate. Although, Vicki says she had girl friends who masturbated several times a day but kept that secret as well. Often, the sexual awakening for women was more about romantic daydreams. But the shame and secrecy about our sexual nature were much the same, and no one dreamed there could be sex after 60.
When young women became sexual and found partners, they felt a lot of pressure to please because women of our era were raised to be pleasers. And at the same time, they must not be too pleasing. . .certainly not sluts! Rather than brag about being sexually active, young women kept silent to protect their reputation and only told their very best friends. And, the fear of pregnancy was ever present.
Many women were left frustrated by ignorant men and angry at the cultural disregard of women’s pleasure. All those contradictory messages, disappointments, and anxiety left many young women dissatisfied and frustrated, and some turned off to sex for the rest of their lives.
The lucky ones, however, found love early and were able to work out their sexual needs together. Others tried to come to terms with the early confusion by having multiple partners and spent a lifetime trying to find a satisfying sexual relationship–or they just gave up trying. And, although we learned to communicate our desires and please our partner better, I know that I, for one, didn’t resolve that early dysfunction until I was older.
Overcoming the stigma and being myself
Only in my 60s did I learn that being who I truly am is more important and satisfying than how I appear to others. I am now able to experience the playful joy that comes when I ask for what I honestly want sexually. . . and get it! And, in turn, when I am frankly asked by my Beloved for what she wants, I can gift her that desire. Oh, the joy of sex after 60!
Only as an older man did I learn that lying with my Beloved, sharing breath together, and reveling in the sexual energy flowing between us can be as delicious as intercourse. Only now can I share my fantasies, knowing that my Beloved will accept them without judgment, even if she prefers not to act them out.
Finally I am free of the duty to always be fully erect. Only now have I learned to still the monkey mind as we bask in the myriad pleasures of the body. And now, even as my body sags and fails, I have learned that I am beautiful enough and that I must not compare myself to the actors and models who grace our screens and advertisements. Only now do I feel free to truly open my heart to my Beloved and tell her how much I adore her, without being self-conscious.
Only now do I fully accept the truth that our essential natures are more important than our superficial exteriors. After experiencing sex after 60, I have come to appreciate that a long, lingering kiss and slow caress are satisfying sexual pleasures in their own right and not just a prelude to adult sexual activity.
Only as an old man have I learned to fully embrace my sexuality as the sacred gift it is.
Happy New Year 2019
May your loving connection grow in the coming new year! Have fun and enjoy each other!
We’d love to hear your coming of age story in the comments below!