Kevin here. . .
Well, that’s an oxymoron! You know, like hot ice and military intelligence. But it is true. . .there are many upsides to impotence. Once you get past wrestling with the insidious onset and finally settle in and address the problem with your partner, you will discover the upsides.
In fact, I think that calling impotence a problem is probably outdated. These days, at least for most men, erectile dysfunction is simply a stage of life. It’s a shame we’re not better prepared for impotence because, as we age, most of us will lose the ability to sustain an erection hard enough for intercourse. Being able to accept this challenge and move beyond it allows couples to understand and enjoy the many upsides to impotence.
Four upsides to impotence
1. Addressing impotence with your partner will make your bond stronger.
Not talking about impotence is not an option. You must fully acknowledge how you feel about your erectile dysfunction, both to your partner and to yourself. Being impotent affects each man differently, so you must fully explore and disclose how you feel, and then share, share, share. Because women have little understanding of what it means to lose that hard-on, they won’t understand what it means unless you tell them.
Many women have long gauged their sexual attractiveness using a penile yardstick. If their naked body and passionate kisses don’t provoke an erection, they doubt their sexual prowess and your love for them. Only by fully sharing your physical challenges will you get her to understand that your impotence is caused by your aging body, and it’s not her fault. If this is a new issue in a long-term relationship, be especially clear about how your body is changing. Vicki tells me that without this communication, most women suspect you don’t love them and no longer find them attractive.
Sharing your feelings as you enter this stage of life has the potential to renew your intimate bond. As you both continue to age, you will face many challenges together. Learn to clearly communicate that you will be there for your partner, sexually and emotionally, even if you can no longer produce a reliable erection. As your bond grows stronger, you will begin to discover the first of many upsides to impotence.
2. Preparing for an erection when one is impotent can be surprisingly sexy!
Most men can learn to use oral medication, injections, and penile pumps to get an erection more than adequate for intercourse. But having sex is different than before because now you have to plan for it. An erection becomes a conscious choice for both of you. I love it when Vicki asks me to give myself an injection! I know without a doubt she wants me, and I find that upside sexy as hell. Sometimes, I like to surprise her with an erection, but mostly, this is something we do together with great tenderness.
3. Enjoying the soft penis!
Before I met Vicki, I never thought my soft penis was sexy. Instead of being pleasurable, it was a source of anxiety during sex. Thanks to her persistence, I’ve learned to love attention being lavished on my flaccid penis. I’m still a bit surprised by this kind of sexual play, and relaxing into it takes a while. I feel ticklish or numb at first, but very soon after my penis becomes aroused by her loving attention.
I’ve learned what I enjoy when we play like this and now ask for it. To our shared delight, we’ve learned to get aroused by following the sexual energy. And sometimes, I get an erection! Not adequate for penetration, but it feels great nonetheless.
At times, I’m the more active partner despite not having an erection. I enjoy offering a Loving Massage to my tired lover, and ever so gently coaxing her into arousal. When I stimulate her to the point she wants it, I love to bring her to orgasm.
Other times, making love with a soft penis is a prelude to giving myself an injection so we can have intercourse. But more frequently, it is simply a sweet, loving interlude before sleep at night. The tenderness this evokes lingers with us as we drift off to sleep.
What pleases me about my soft penis now is that it makes no difference in our pleasure nor does it reflect my lack of interest or arousal. . .it is simply a sign of aging. Of all the upsides to impotence, this has been the most surprising!
4. Experiencing prolonged intercourse!
Okay, now we’re getting down to the really good stuff!
Vicki and I often make love for hours, which is something I never did when I was young, or even five years ago! Now, it’s not unusual for us to carry on longer than I ever thought possible. We begin with a Loving Massage. Then, we eye gaze and make out for a while, and usually follow that with intercourse. After a while, we go back to necking and cuddling, have oral sex, or return to intercourse in a different position. We’re usually exhausted by this time and pause to rest and rehydrate. Then, we’re back at it again, just like teenagers who love to neck and pet for hours. But now, the limits are only those imposed by our aging bodies!
Having this kind of marathon sex is new to both of us. We didn’t have it in previous relationships, and neither of us expected it now. But with the prolonged erections made possible by the injections, and the added excitement of eye gazing and shared breathing, we found ourselves able to extend our love making longer than before, and built on that.
Perhaps we’re able to carry on like this because I seldom orgasm due to pelvic surgery and chemotherapy. But I’m also aware that other men my age are slow to orgasm. Maybe it’s just an age thing. In any case, I’m happy with my lot because my inability to orgasm is more than compensated for by my endurance. Vicki gets frustrated by this sometimes because she wants to bring me to climax, but the truth is we’ve usually exhausted ourselves before I can orgasm. And in the warm afterglow of our lovemaking, I’m fully satiated and lack nothing. Sigh.
Why am I sharing all this?
Well, I never thought I was an exhibitionist, but I’ve really enjoyed writing about the upsides to impotence!
Perhaps I am, but there is a point to sharing the details of our sex life: Senior sex is very different and surprisingly more intense than our earlier sexual experiences. Like the difference between night and day. And, I don’t believe it’s just us.
We’re writing this blog because we believe this joyous, intimate connection is meant for you as well. Meaning it can be yours too, but you must do the emotional and mental work to get there. No one can continue having sex the same old way—even if our bodies were able—and have the erotic, orgasmic experiences we’re describing.
Negotiating the shift from youthful sex to mature sex takes inner work and communication skills. You learn to communicate honestly about your sex, then start slowly and follow what feels good and works for both of you, eventually building up to the upsides mentioned above.
The first step is to desire more intimacy with your partner. When the intention is clear, the energy will follow. That’s when the conversation really begins, and then one of you orders the massage table! It really is that simple!
Humans are endlessly diverse, and especially in the realm of intimacy, each relationship is unique. So, you must find your own path. That’s the good news because the journey is so much darn fun! We hope our story inspires you to do whatever it takes to make loving intimacy a major part of your life and be able to enjoy the upsides of impotence.
Vicki here. . .
Well, who would have thought a post about impotence (erectile dysfunction or ED) could be so juicy! No more than I could have imagined when I was young that an old person could be having so much fun!
But that’s one point Kevin and I are trying to make: Sex gets better as we age precisely because of the challenges of aging. And, our evolving desire for intimate connection over performance is what makes it so juicy.
I was flattered when Kevin shared the information about him being impotent, not dismayed. I was intrigued that he included me in planning what our sex would be like before having it. That way, I had the opportunity to explore and discuss my own sexual desires with him. For me, our collaboration was very sexy.
We have become co-conspirators in creating the sex life we always dreamed of. After exploring the issues surrounding his ED, we could talk about anything. Kevin discussing his impotence with me set the stage for honest communication about everything else and, in the process, has created a strong bond between us.
We’ll leave the issue of loving the soft penis until another post because too many intimate confessions in one blog is just not lady-like. . .
Vicki’s version of the really good stuff
I’ve given much thought to how I became orgasmic in my 60s—why it took so long and what factors made it possible. I’ve read authoritative reports saying women dry up and lose interest in sex as they age, but this wasn’t true for me or other women I know. Why did I start having orgasms in old age and not before? Am I an anomaly? I think not.
A number of things contributed to my sexual awakening. Being single and having the opportunity to explore my sexuality as an adult opened many doors. I was free of familial responsibilities and expectations and beyond being worried about my reputation. Also, living in the sex-positive San Francisco Bay area gave me permission to explore my sexuality for the first time in my life.
These things were all important. But for me, prolonged intercourse and intimate communication made it possible for me to become orgasmic in my 60s and to enjoy the upsides to impotence that Kevin has described.
Why I never had orgasms when I was younger
Kids now are far more open about their sexuality than we were in the 1940s and 50s. Sex was taboo if you weren’t married, so no one talked about it, and we teenagers had to sneak it. “Good girls” didn’t do it, and the poor guys, who knew little or nothing about what makes great sex, were expected to know it all. They didn’t, and no one discussed it.
For me, this meant years of being quietly supportive while never talking about my own sexual needs. Because I didn’t want to hurt my lovers’ feelings, I never told them I wasn’t turned on or what they could do to help me get there. I was a good actress and a very nice person—but dishonest about sex. So because it wasn’t happening for me sexually, I never orgasmed. It’s really that simple.
When I became single at 62, I discovered older men who enhanced their erections with medication. And they were willing to talk openly about their sex life. This started intimate discussions between us that were missing in our younger lives. I was delighted to be included, and they wanted to know what pleased me sexually! Best of all, sex was more playful, and intercourse lasted longer than it did when I was younger. A lot longer.
Prolonged intercourse gave me the time I needed to reach orgasm. Once my body learned to orgasm, it became easier, and I needed less time to get there. It was as if my body had been starved for the intensity of prolonged intercourse, and then once received, I could relax and orgasm naturally.
Love, sex, and intimacy in old age
Kevin upped the ante by combining prolonged intercourse with his desire for intimate connection and communication. We both believe that being older makes the intense sexuality we have possible. Neither of us were capable of this intense intimacy before because we were so focused on the external world. Now as our focus turns inward and demands from the outside world lessen, we put that intensity into our relationship.
Sex Gets Better After 60 is about opening the dialog with your lover, no matter the state of your sexual intimacy at this moment. As Kevin and I have learned, intimacy is the cornerstone of a happy, healthy relationship as we age.
We’d love to hear your personal story of the upsides to impotence you have discovered. Share your comments below or contact us directly on our Contact page.